I spent most of my life feeling that there had been a mistake in the factory. Surely I was given the wrong body. I had no doubt that I should have been born a boy. I didn’t feel feminine at all. It was never about outer appearances. Not about clothes or hairstyles. I have had long hair most of my life and no problems wearing skirts and dresses, make up and sexy lingerie, etc. But that didn’t change the fact that I didn’t feel like a woman inside. I had no idea what being a woman meant! And I couldn’t relate to what I saw on TV or magazines, or Barbie or most of the other girls at school. I felt like this since I was a child and it got worse as a teenager. It impacted my sexuality and my relationships very strongly in unhealthy and painful ways.
It has been a long and beautiful journey to where I am now.
First to accept this body I have been gifted, in this form. To make friends with it, to listen, to get to know it, to appreciate it, to love it. And in that journey, to recognize how my upbringing valued masculine qualities over feminine. And that as a result, this turned into self-hate. To realize that I wasn’t going to find the answers of what it means to be a woman out there, but rather in here, inside me.
I started to look in, instead of
trying to copy or measure up to whatever I saw out there.
And there were so many treasures to be found!
And I experienced so much healing in the process.
One of my biggest insights from that journey was that vulnerability and being receptive is not a weakness, it is an incredible strength! Almost everything associated with “yin” I considered weaknesses, that was my conditioning. I was so wrong! They are incredible strengths I have integrated now. I learned how to open up to my own feminine qualities, and discovered the unique way the feminine manifests through me. I worked with different archetypes, with my womb, with the 3 centers of feminine strength, with my sexuality, and I embraced myself as a woman.
Later in my journey that served as a jumping board for me to embrace the healthy masculine in me, not the unhealthy patriarchal version I had inherited from society and which judged and condemned my feminine to something less.
If you resonate with any of this, what I want you to know is:
1) you are not alone,
2) there is nothing wrong with you, and
3) you are not irreparably broken!
I lead women’s groups all over the world, and the overwhelming majority of the women who come the first time resonate with what I have shared here. It doesn’t matter if its: Kazakhstan, China, Spain, Norway, or the US. It is unfortunately a legacy the majority of us have inherited, part of our current society’s shadow. This discounting of the feminine is part of the collective psyche no matter if you are in a man’s or a woman’s body, no matter your age, culture, religion, education or economic background. This results in girls growing up all over the world having no clue what it really means to be a woman, or what femininity is, comparing themselves to distorted ideals they can not embody. AND it doesn’t have to be that way!!! The world is certainly not a better place because of it! It’s common, yes, but it’s not OK.
So… healing starts HERE! NOW! Owning your truth, bringing out to the light your judgments, shame and fears; yes, this is how I feel, this is my truth, with consciousness and compassion for yourself. This is what it means to walk the Tantric path.
Take a moment right now and make a list of all that you reject or judge about being a woman.
Then read it outloud to yourself as you look in the mirror. And FEEL!
There! Out from the shadows! Beautiful! Let this list guide you! It tells you exactly what needs healing.
Now make another list, of what you want to open yourself up to in terms of your femininity, being a woman. Top 1-3 things.
And start cultivating those qualities.
Plant the seeds right now, and water them! You can even do this symbolically, by taking some seeds (from an apple or pumpkin or sunflower seeds, whatever you have access to, it’s the symbolism that counts) and plant them into the earth (or a potted plant if you don’t have access to land). Begin to create your inner sacred garden… I assure you that it will be filled with beautiful flowers, plants and trees if you keep planting your longings and watering them with self-love.
And now receive all the blessings headed your way to support you in this healing and expansion.
The universe (God, the factory, existence) doesn’t make mistakes.
And all of this is part of a larger collective shift.
We do our part, and support others to do theirs.
Sending blessings your way sisters!!!