“I would like to share some words on my journey with my animal and my dark masculine so far.
I had an alcoholic father who was very abusive towards my mother from my birth until I was 13 when they divorced. At that time I also realized that he is going to die of drinking and made a decision I will not be hurt by that, I will not mourn over him, I will not feel pain again.
This led me to numbing my feelings and demonizing all male actions towards women which I perceived have even the slightest taste of power-over as violence or abusive, and hiding those parts of myself deep inside and denying I have any of that in me.
Now at the age of 47 I have started to work on those shadow parts of me I long ago buried so deep. I have come to realize that not owning my full masculine power also in its darkest aspects, the dark masculine and the animal, keeps me small and disempowered.
My journey so far, and it has just begun, has been accepting that yes there is the animal part of me which can be wild and insatiable, which follows its own desires and does not ask for permission. And it has been challenging for me to let that animal come out because of the fear that what will I do if I let it out, will I harm people I love, not respect woman anymore, will I want to just leave my partner and go after every woman I can?
And then accepting and loving this part of me also and seeing that there is power there. There is power in the animal nature of me, and I welcome it, cherish it and yes I want that power. But it needs to be joined with consciousness, the dragon needs a driver.
Me getting to know my dark masculine and accepting him has been equally challenging. Dark masculine is the one who can face death and kill if necessary. He is pure focus, willpower and survival instinct and there is nothing “lovey-dovey” in him. And there are so few examples of the healthy version and so many of the unhealthy one around us. The dark masculine has seemed too harsh and unloving, abusive, to me. But I have come to realize that as long as I am conscious of the unhealthy aspects of the dark masculine, there is so much I can gain from embracing that part of me, so much more range I can have as a man, so much power.
Healthy dark masculine knows its power, it comes from within, he doesn’t need to prove it to others by over powering them and he doesn’t need others to validate it to him. My dark masculine is there to stand up for more gentle parts of me, taking care of my feminine and the pure innocent core of my being, so that they can fully express themselves without fear of getting trampled over by the world.
Both the animal and the dark masculine need a safe container where they can come out, where they are welcomed to also make mistakes and be clumsy and awkward, so that they have a chance to grow to their full power. I have so far explored both of them in many workshops and also in daily life in my relationship and will continue to do so until they are fully integrated, powerful and healthy, and mine to call out when I need them.
And even though I am not there yet fully, I am already benefiting and bringing those energies into my everyday life with the enhanced clarity, decisiveness, sense of purpose and inner power. This is what they bring into my interactions with people and also into my sex life.”